Theo-rising

Been awhile.

Friend a'mine got me to thinkin' of this theory I use'ta tell people 'bout when it suited my purpose to have 'em think I was a little off. Didn' never work too well though because my general appearance was prolly resposible for the passersby assumin' I were'nt all there.

I s'pose you can't rightly call it a theory after all; perhaps it's better termed a musing. Ain't no way to test the hypothesis y'see. An' I'm fairly sure it weren't never accurate to boot. Come to think of it, I never did believe it to be true 'tal.

Slammed Doors
Slammed doors was a mighty prollem for a big sum'bitch who gets a lil scary time to time. I been known to holler out like a high pitch'd creak in the floor when that old sound sneaks up on me. But a man's gotta convince his peers that he's a reason for jumpin out his seat and drawin' breaths like he was on death's door ever'time a door would shut hard. So I started to thinkin' it would be somethin' wicked if God'd made us so that whenever a door got to slammin' a man'd die jes a lil cause he lost some of them limited number'a heartbeats we was set out to have. An' boy I felt like I was dyin'. Gave me one powerful excuse when somebody'd hear me belt out a rusty hinge squeal ever' time the door would shut. An' jes thinkin' about that little "theory" made the prollem worse. I'd get to scarin' whenever I heard any sort of thud. Ev'ry noise was a gunshot. My ol' heart was gettin' used up somethin' quick. An' I weren't no three-footer when I conjur'd this one up neither. A full-grown man givin' time back on a fancy excuse.

But I Got History
I gotta history of this sorta thing. Started fearin' the end before I'd even got ta startin'. Early on as my dayschool times I come up with the idea that I weren't who I thought I was. These colorless devils were livin' under the bed in my parent's house, y'see. Comin' up through the floor soon as I'd pass into that dream state. They switched out my body with a robot ever'night. Sum'bitch looked like me. Acted like me. Sounded like me. Et cet'ra. An' them little bastards were clever too. 'Cause they programmed that robot to wonder if he was really a robot or not. Tricked that sum'bitch into not knowin' if he was me or him. An' where'n hell was I? I could'a been anywhere. Hell, they turn't me into a robot that looked like me an' acted like me but were'nt sure it was a robot or somethin' else.

An' then I did some research into them early years of when I come back. (A ghost has to grow up again when he comes back y'see.) I figured out where the robot scare comes from. It's all 'cause I watched this story called The Last Starfighter on the movin' picture box. Poor sum'bitch got hisself pick't up by some outerspace demons an' dragged out into the stars by a flyin' motor vehicle. Well, them outerspace demons replaced that sum'bitch Alex Rogan with a robot so his family were'nt to know he'd gone missin'.

I Got Me a Plan
If them colorless devils come back again though, this ole sum'bitch has a plan. I'm gonna slam doors on them bastards 'til they leave or I die.